For those of you who know me, How I Met Your Mother is my all time favorite show because of how relatable it is. I’ve watched the series from start to finish many times and it has become a reference to my every day life. My husband and I relate to Marshall & Lily all the time as if they are our alter egos and we’ve somehow intertwined our lives with theirs. It’s actually really quite funny.
Since being a mom, I’ve found that there’s been many struggles so far that I constantly find myself questioning if I’m even fit to be a mother. I’ve let the lack of sleep and frustration get the worst of me lately and I feel awful. I know it’s not postpartum depression that I’m feeling because I love my Rylee girl so much and I don’t have any bad thoughts of hurting her, but I find myself questioning if having a baby right now was the best decision for us.
I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished any of my long term goals and dreams and now that I’m a mom with no time, I don’t know that I ever will. I wanted to travel to Europe with Bryce, start our own business, finish school, get promoted at work – which by the way, my job isn’t exactly a family friendly position.. working 15 hour days during a conference, sometimes back to back days with no days off. I mean, who in their right mind would work those hours with a newborn baby? Who can do any of those things with a newborn baby?
There’s a scene in How I Met Your Mother where Lily & Ted are having a conversation and Lily says, “Sometimes I wish I wasn’t a mom. Sometimes I wanna pack a bag and leave in the middle of the night and not come back. I mean, I love being a mom, I-I love Marvin so much. But you remember when I wanted to be an artist? Art was my whole life, and… and now it’s been months since I’ve even picked up a brush. I spend the whole day taking care of kids in my job, and I come home, and it’s more of the same, and it’s just… it never lets up. It’s just really, really hard, Ted.” I couldn’t have related to this quote more than ever right now.
I’ve always dreamt of being a mom, but why is it that all these negative feelings consume me? Why am I feeling so stressed and frustrated and sad? It’s not all the time I feel these things because I love hanging out with her and being her mommy, but I can’t help but feel them some times. And maybe it’s because I wish my husband was more involved. I know he has work and school and it’s selfish to wish he was here all the time, but spending 90% of the time with her is really, really hard when you don’t have help all the time.
I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and these feelings won’t last forever, but I need to know if what I’m feeling is normal or am I just going crazy? Everyone tells me that it’s the greatest job in the world, but no one told me the honest truth about how hard it really is the first few months; the nonstop cries, fighting with your significant other because you can’t agree on something, the late nights/early mornings, all the diaper changes/bottle making, I mean, the list goes on.
I’ll tell you the truth right now; I’d do anything for my baby girl, but listening to her cry nonstop with no obvious reason as to why she’s crying is probably the worst feeling especially at 3am only because I think it’s a cry for attention. She is so spoiled by everyone around her, rightfully so, but she knows when she’s crying, someone will pick her up and soothe her, and that’s the last thing I want to do. I leave her to cry for minutes at a time until she’s exhausted herself. Does that make me a bad mother? Probably, and I feel guilty every time, but if we continue to pick her up every single time she cries, she’s going to expect that treatment all the time and I just don’t want that for her. Playing with her while she’s awake and holding her throughout the day is perfectly fine, but when it’s nap time or bed time, she needs to know how to fall asleep herself without being held.
I guess there’s a small part of me that wishes we would’ve waited a little bit longer to have her, but regardless of how long we waited, we still wouldn’t have been prepared for the hardest adventure of our lives; parenthood. Don’t get me wrong though, having Rylee was the biggest blessing I could’ve asked for. She’s a beautiful, healthy, and spunky baby girl and I will forever love her, but she drives me nuts.